as small as a world and as large as alone, theiredepartment: You know what gets me about...

11:18am September 18, 2014

You know what gets me about “autism parents”?

At least, some of it.

I’m autistic.

Don’t you dare label me “high functioning” or “mild”.

I’m “profoundly” autistic (I’m autistic and profound. I’m as philosophical as a person can be without going full nihilist and offing themselves).

I’m as autistic as they come and I’m proud to stand with my sisters, my brothers, and with those of us who don’t care to have gender labels.

And I have worked in childcare.

I have done a shit ton of child care. I was the first ever carer for a five month old infant in high school. I have cared for kids from infancy to teenage years. In high school, I was widely sought after for my “child whispering” abilities, because I could get good behavior from “difficult” kids without undue effort on my part.

I’ve always been the “safe person” kids are able to pick out. I have a cousin/niece I met once. Within the half hour she was busy hiding on my lap when she felt shy. Because she knew I was safe.

Similar things happen with animals. Whenever I’m at a friend’s house who has a shy animal, they seek me out within the hour of meeting me. they’re all over my lap. Again, because they know I am safe. Animals and children know I will respect them and their boundaries as most adults won’t.

this is a common theme among not all, but many, many autistics. people who lack status know that we are trustworthy. they somehow understand that we don’t see the world in terms of hierarchies, and we will treat them well regardless of their “status” or “place”.

this is part of what makes it so difficult for me to swallow “autism parents” and their abusive behaviors.

Because it’s apparently sooooo difficult to parent autistic kids. Well, I’m an autistic (ooh, scary, right?) who’s had charge of a whole shock of kids. My SO and I hope to have our own in the next 2-3 years, my physical health permitting, and I have no doubt about my ability to handle them. I have no doubt that my parenting abilities will far surpass my neurotypical peers’.

In ten years of childcare, I have never once had to so much as raise my voice to a child.

Not once. Not when I was watching one kid. not when I was watching 5+ kids alone who were jazzed up on sugar and having a sleepover. Not when I was watching “difficult” kids that nobody else, parents included, could apparently handle.

I handled every kid I watched by being respectful.

By being a safe adult.

By only using my authority when it was necessary: safety reasons, or being decent to other people reasons.

I was willing to repeat myself. I was willing to explain, even if it took time and several different analogies. I was willing to be firm but kind if the situation warranted it. I was willing to listen. I was willing to compromise so long as nobody got hurt or excluded and everyone behaved safely and respectfully.

I was not willing to be mean or nasty or authoritarian. I felt this was unnecessary. As it turns out, it was. I was able to encourage and maintain good behavior in my charges without any of the kind of garbage that your average person apparently thinks is good discipline (“tough love” etc).

Because of this, a mutual respect (respect is inherently mutual) developed. the kids I watched knew I wasn’t a bossy jerk. they knew I wasn’t out to ruin their fun. they knew I understood their perspective and only interfered when necessary. When I had to be firm, they understood my reasons for doing so.

I had this kind of parenting modeled for me by the more autistic of my two parents. Logic. Reason. Explaining why we shouldn’t do something in case it had a negative effect on someone. Actively teaching a child to consider and empathize with everyone around them; teaching them about how their actions affect other people, and how it feels to be someone else in a different situation than theirs. Not interfering in happy kids having fun without cause. It worked on me. It has worked on every kid I’ve cared for.

that’s what autistic parenting looks like.

Occasionally I babysat with neurotypical friends. When we watched kids, they took charge. they threw their authority around. they said “time out because I said so”, “time out because you disagreed with me”, “time out because I feel like it and I’m in charge”. And the kids hollered, threw tantrums, acted resentful. they behaved in ways they never did with me. When they were with me, they listened. Sometimes they forgot and I had to explain it again. Sometimes they got rowdy and I had to gently get them to calm down. But it never took more than a few gentle reminders.

None of this required me to be a punitive, authoritarian asshole. All of my disciplining taught consideration for others. What I didn’t do was authority for authority’s sake, because I’m autistic and I hate power imbalances and I don’t want any part of that.

Everyone resents authoritarianism. Why should kids be any different?
Children aren’t pre-people for others to mold. Children are just people. they may need reminders and repetition, but they are reasonable beings and they can be reasoned with. treat them as such and you won’t have such a problem with discipline. treat everyone as such, it will simplify your life immensely.

What is so wrong with the neurotypical parents of autistic children that they do not understand this? Where is their theory of mind?

Basically what I’m trying to get at here, in a long-winded and roundabout fashion, is that:

a. “Autism parents” who abuse their kids, force them into “treatment”, and sometimes murder them are presented as the sane ones, yet

b. “Autism parents” are unable to be as effective as people who are regarded as “disordered” autistics (or the rare enlightened neurotypical) in child care and family life.

You think we’re the ones who have something wrong with us?

It’s not that damn hard to be a decent parent.

it’s not that hard to take good care of your kids.

If you can’t, please seek out someone or some situation that can.

If you can’t, please don’t buy into excuses that blame it on your kids and any diagnoses they may have.

If you can’t, then please leave instead of killing people.

Don’t let your kid be a victim of your own failings.

It’s not your kid that has the problem.

It’s you.

t;dr: If little old autistic me can handle and excel at childcare then all the “autism parents” who think they “function” better than I do ought to manage okay with the supposedly arduous task of not killing their kids.

Protip: if you can’t, then do something about it. If you’re honestly incapable of not being abusive then remove yourself from your position of authority over children and your caregiving responsibilities to them.