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12:12pm September 24, 2014

nicocoer:

I’m doubting that I retain the ability to attract anyone romantically. Physically, sure, as odd as that sometime feels… That doesn’t seem to be that difficult. Not easy but not terribly difficult. But romantically… I don’t know that I’m able to attract people that way. Which for me is not terribly good? I’m romantic, there’s a psychological proclivity towards romantic relationships for me. It is something I want in my life. But. Time goes on and I’m feeling like it has become a progressively less attainable want.

I’ve gotten to a point where I feel like it would be nice to be in a relationship with someone, but I know my chances of actually doing so are slim.  So I mostly don’t care, in a weird way.  It’s like “It would be nice, but it’s unlikely to happen, so on with life.”  And I’m sure if it’s meant to happen it’ll happen.  I just can’t see anything I can do that would make it more likely, and in fact a lot of things I’d do would make it less likely.  So I try to be happy with what I have, because I think that would actually be the most likely situation where a relationship would be good – where it’s “It would be nice, but I don't need it.”

Plus I have a lot of memories from my one relationship with a woman, and those memories could sustain me forever if they had to.  I don’t know if you have memories or not, but for me, remembering the really good times at the best parts of the relationship, helps.  I can see how for some people that could make it worse, though.

When I do wish for a relationship, it’s definitely more romantic than sexual.  Like it’s not that I’m not sexual, but snuggling or holding hands or staring into each other’s eyes, can be more intense and important to me than genital contact.