Theme
5:33pm
August 3, 2015
“I can’t stand country music
It always makes me cry
Talkin’ ‘bout people’s heartaches
Makin’ me wanna die
Every time I hear a country song
I’ve just got to close my ears
I can’t stand country music
I’m tellin’ it like it is”
— Wayne Parker
Yes, in case you haven’t heard the song directly, this is 100% a country song. And an old one – irony (and being able to laugh at yourself) isn’t some new hipster invention.
11 notes
3:12pm
August 3, 2015
Note: Please leave the image description and the following text while
reblogging, so that people who use screenreaders (mostly but not limited
to blind people) can read this post.
[Image description: A ridiculously large Swiss Army knife with more parts than anyone could possibly know what to do with, taken from a screenshot of an Amazon.com page. The price given is “$1,371.94 and FREE shipping!”. Several reviews are posted, which I will write below this description.]
5 STARS: Surprising Results
I tried to file my nails, but in the process I accidentally fixed a small engine that was near by. Which was nice.
3 STARS: Found this…
…stuck into a stone while on vacation. I’m impressed with it, generally. Unfortunately, it turns out that removing it made me the new king of Switzerland, which is a lot of responsibility.
3 STARS: Ooops
I forgot the knife in the front pocket of my Swiss Army shorts and when my wife washed them it completely disassembled our washing machine.
1 STAR: Disappointing
This would be a great product but was dismayed to find it has no banana slicer- that’s a deal breaker. Returning today.
5 STARS: Bad Tooth Pick Placement
It’s a great knife, it’s just that the tooth pick is in the center of the knife so when you use it, it looks like your playing some kinda f’ed up harmonica.
3 STARS: Changed my life
Received this knife as a gift for my 18th birthday. Wish I’d known what it was because as soon as I touched it, I grew a mustache and became a Navy Seal. Mom fainted and my dad laughed and handed me a beer. I was born a girl.
Minus 2 stars because my breasts were really nice.
3 STARS: It doesn’t have a TOWEL!
But it doesn’t have a TOWEL! It does, however, come equipped with a Babel fish for those long Vogon flights.
5 STARS: Very versatile
I haven’t been able to use ours yet. Once my wife found out about the rechargable rabbit attachment in the knife, I haven’t seen either one in a week.
1:12pm
July 10, 2015
More summer hair. This is AFTER staying up most of the night detangling it and brushing/combing it through so it’s straighter than it normally would be and the oils are distributed properly and stuff. (I didn’t have the energy to do the oil treatment that people keep reminding me I should probably do. Doing one of those requires enough energy to keep washing the oil out all day if necessary.) And I swear it’s actually frizzier than when I started (at which point it was incredibly tangled, I lost a lot of hair just getting the tangles out). Also it’s getting really long.
6:20am
June 13, 2015
Phideaux lyrics that make me giggle (whether they’re meant to or not).
“Hour by hour I wait for my flower to bloom – it’s a hideous black mushroom, odious spore of doom!”
“Dormouse, dormouse, have you any cheese or did it melt in the thermonuclear breeze?”
(A song shortly after that last is titled “Thermonuclear Cheese”, which also makes me giggle. I hope they weren’t taking themselves too seriously on this one, or that would be… disturbing, but still hilarious.)
4:19am
May 5, 2015
bonk bonk i venerate you fish god
7:47pm
April 19, 2015
my cat likes being gently scraped with a plastic butter knife like a cute lil fuzzy piece of toast WAY more than she likes any of the grooming utensils or toys i have spent actual money on
11:22pm
February 4, 2015
I have a dad-shirt that is dead set on making one of my nipples poke through.
So I’ve ordered five undershirts, they’re brown A-shirts that will double as tanktops in the summer.
But whenever my nipple pokes through…
I hear my dad saying “Spring’s busting out all over!”
Which was his favorite pun to mean “Your shirt’s too tight” or “Your shirt’s too see-through” or “Something’s showing that shouldn’t be.”
And I can just completely picture him saying that every time this one shirt of his gives me “wardrobe malfunctions”.
6:02am
December 7, 2014
Funny Swypo (cw: scatological humor, a.k.a bathroom humor, a.k.a. Mel is sometimes a stereotypical teenage boy, humor-wise)
In the below, the examples are already bolded like this. So to make clear the one word that changed somewhere between my brain and the iPad’s brain, in each sentence, in addition to being bolded, one word is,italicized, too.. I know it’s not fully screensaver friendly but it’s the best I could given my spoons right now. Hopefully it will become clear based on context and what would get your average 13-year-old boy rolling in the floor laughing.
What I tried to type:
“The psych system sucks, and you can die in it, and nearly any way out is legit in my eyes.”
What I actually wrote:
"The psych system sucks, and you can die in it, and nearly any way out is legit in my turd.”
I should be giggling uncontrollably by now. But this is one of those instances where what goes on inside is mismatched by what’s going on outside. As to not rolling on the floor, it’s hard enough for me to get up off the floor, let alone making myself sick rolling around on it.
11:18pm
December 3, 2014
Rocking, letters to my (dead) father
Dear Ron,
Do you remember the time you told me to quit rocking because it made you uncomfortable?
And I said, “Dad? You’re rocking.”
We both laughed. Never in your life did you ask me to quit rocking again.
Love,
Mel
12:52am
November 29, 2014
i think we’re out of ink
have you tried turning it on and off again
Always reblog
3:39am
November 16, 2014
The cat and the fart.
fullarticulatedgoldskeleton will like this one, it combines two of her favorite subjects.
So I was sitting on the toilet. And Fey, as usual, decides that anything done in the bathroom is more fun if it’s done as a family. So sometimes she’ll come in and use the litter box, other times, she’ll drink from the sink, or she’ll just sit in front of me and stare at me while I take a crap or something.
This time I was just peeing. And she just climbed up her kitty stairs (meant to prevent whatever nasty fall made her afraid of sinks, her only source of water, for months), and started lapping up the running water. You could really hear her getting into a rhythm too, like “LAP lap lap lap LAP lap lap lap.”
And then I farted.
It wasn’t the kind of fart that comes with poop attached. It wasn’t an SBD. In fact, I didn’t smell anything at all, which is unusual for my farts. What it was, was loud. Like starting out high pitched and loud, and getting lower pitched and quieter as time went on.
And then I noticed the lapping noises had stopped.
And Fey was looking at me with just utter incredulity. Like “You did WHAT?” And she continued staring at me for about half a minute before she went back to lapping up the sink water again. And I got off the toilet pretty quickly after that, although I was lucky in that the fart was loud enough to confuse a cat, but it didn’t come with any bad smells or poop attached. (I hate when I fart in a place I’m going to have to be sitting for awhile, and then have to live with the smell for as long as it takes to dissipate.)
4:48am
November 15, 2014
So most weeks I Skype with Anne on Friday nights. Not lately, too much going on in our lives, but usually.
And there’s this sub floater (person who takes on jobs with random DD clients when our regular staff are out for some reason) named Anthony.
And there’s this Tylenol bottle that’s the bane of our existence around here. Basically the liquid is so thick that when you try to draw it out with the syringe, it actually sucks some of the fluid back into the bottle, even when held upside down, and then the syringe pusher thing goes up with it too. So you can pull it down to ten mL, look away for a minute, and it’s at 5 mL. Which is very frustrating after awhie.
So Anne and I were sitting there chatting. And Anthony was trying and failing to draw 10 CCs of Tylenol. And he started muttering at the bottle, progressing to cussing it out and nearly yelling at it.
At which point Anne said, “You tell that Tylenol, Anthony!”
Which has become a famous story by now among anyone who works here, especially because everyone has cussed out the Tylenol at least once.
Of course what goes around comes around. And one day I was trying to get a syringe of water into the silicone side-port of my j-tube, and it was not wanting to go in. At all. So I started making what everyone around here has learned to call “grumpy stick noises”. Sort of an annoyed mutter-grumble. And the staff person watching me goes, “You tell that water, Mel.”
I laughed so hard I was crying and couldn’t stop laughing for a good five minutes.
Fortunately Anthony has a great sense of humor or he’d never live this down. I honestly think a sense of humor is necessary to work at my apartment, because we do so much gross and disgusting stuff that the only way to deal with it is through really dark humor. (Do not ask me to explain “blood fetuses”. You don’t want to know.)